Catharsis

Sleep schedule akilter. Woke up thinking about someone, I regret to say, I despise on account of regret for having loved. She will go unmentioned for the unmentionable degradation she's made me feel. 

Her juvenile delinquent persona more or less explains her narcissism and perversity but I was snookered. I told her she was a sadist (cockteasing intimidation) but regretted doing that insofar as being judgemental goes. Should not have let her bamboozle me. I had a change of heart; I forgave the floozy come ons; stuck up for her - she betrayed me. I should have known better.

I can only humor myself contemplating an action upon her sexually harrassing comments and a civil rights suit pursuent to a reprisal for my having said she was gone... out of my life. Wot?!! Walk away and let it go, man. Whether I've got a case is problematic, I've no attorney on retainer, and have no desire to inconvenience myself. Funny, huh? I despise her. Satan incarnate. 

So. it's not legal. but spiritual. And I put myself in a circumstance where the cognizance of good and evil is oblivious, not to mention my own hypocrisy. Looking for love on the wrong place indeed. I don't belong there. So much for joie de vivre. She misled me and is indifferent to the consequences of her toying with me. But I forgave her; so it's on me for expecting some commiseration subsequently.

Very odd. This is 'our song'. She was amused. That's what I fell for. All fun and games. Not. Fortunately, I've got a friend who can confirm her perverse and sadistic disposition. She was profoundly disrespectful; she ruined my sincere affection and compassion. But I wouldn't involve him in such absurdity. Just want to let it go and put it all behind me. I made a mistake in my solitude. Would that I could do something about that. Too many betrayals and nothing but nonsense has ravaged my disposition. It's simply ridiculous.

I'm going to have to go to see my psychiatrist next week. This matter is impossible and I need to be medicated toward overcoming a delusion I had of being somewhere else with someone I misperceived and should not have taken seriously... oh, just a game. Pardon my optimism despite the improbability. Silly me.