I grow old...

Yesterday, after church, went to a park for walk and whatever piqued the optics. Not much. Laid down in the grass on a knoll above an enclosed dog run and watch them frolic. Birding activity was limited to doves fluttering about. Yes, I was lonesome. Wish I had someone to go to church with. That is an awfully intimate sort of thing, isn't it?

Well, the soul-mate phenomenon. Too much to ask or expect? Rather late in life to do so. Frankly, I haven't experienced anything approaching this since being with my ex-wife some forty five years ago, the authenticity of just the two of us undefined by anything other than our being together. As you get older, 'the world' commences to define you... your job, your income, your status - what vehicle one drives, for crying out loud. Ha... I recall having a girlfriend in high school who goaded me, who had no wheels at the time, about an erstwhile rival who had a Mustang. She would do that - others would say she was trying to make me feel jealous. Ridiculous. I dumped her.

Well, that's what happened with my ex-wife. Other men had better jobs, more income and status; I found out that a guy whom we'd met while he was coupled with someone else who had a lucrative business and a van fornicated with her in it. It was difficult dumping her but I finally did. Was I mistaken about being soul-mates? I think so. As a matter of fact, this would have been about 1978 too; getting centered again after getting much out of kilter. Took me a couple of years to get over a deep sense of betrayal. But I was mistaken. Do I continue to delude myself? I've had several relationships since but have never recaptured that feeling I had with her prior to having to contend with more affluent yobs who lusted after her.

(Funny... saw a recent picture of her online. She has gotten chubby and unattractive. No feelings for her at all. Liberation! She wasn't very bright. And she said, "There is no God." so, in the final analysis doesn't exist. So much for soul-mating, eh?)

Yes, feeling a little lonesome. We used to do such, she and I, sit down in the grass and shoot the breeze. We had a spot we'd go to in Westchester, up on a hill overlooking the city to the south. (Hey... what am I doing, falling back in time? LOL Spent the day reading about Europe in 1795! This isn't as far back.) Summer of 1972. Then was then, now is now. Yeah, wish I had someone to talk with. But I've got this here to say that, don't I? Hence the feeling is overcome. 

That's what I like so much about taking and processing pictures. From a technical point of view. Makes me very present minded and I'd like so much to get up to speed. Above was put through an app to make it look like an oil pastel sketch. How I'd love to be able to do the real thing; the digital capability is delightful anyway. And we could use some more birds as well. Love to do portraits but that gets complicated.

Writing things up makes me present minded as well. Wish I had more experiences presently to impart. More people to illustrate. As mentioned, read all day and fell asleep, waking after four hours. Checked the news and saw that the holier-than-thou Charlie Rose has been jammed up too! Didn't turn on the TV. I haven't watched television in months. He is included in the reason why... scripted bullshit. Bunch of phonies purporting to tell us how to live our lives. Meanwhile, looking about in the 'real world' there's not much more than replication along those lines, everyone acting out their roles and scripts. 

I'm just sitting in the grass watching. Peacefully. 

I shall not disturb the universe. Ah, that reminds me... verily.